


it helps (hurts) me to think all through the night

by aditlep6



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Drabble, Light Angst, M/M, light fluff, real sad boy hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-28 07:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16236899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aditlep6/pseuds/aditlep6
Summary: “You caused this,” he had said. The only person Shinji believed anymore, the only one that brought him solace and joy in this disjointed, bleary world, looked him in the eyes and blamed him for this.





	it helps (hurts) me to think all through the night

**Author's Note:**

> i've had evangelion on my mind for a lil while now so here you go! short drabble to flex my writing muscles. takes place in the middle of rebuild 3.0. please forgive any inconsistencies with canon, especially with the quotes! i haven't rewatched the whole movie in a while, and this is all from memory.
> 
> title is from my chemical romance: it's not a fashion statement, it's a deathwish
> 
> enjoy!

Shinji had barely gotten a good look at this new world when he followed Rei out of Misato’s ship. He didn’t fully understand what he saw; the near-complete obliteration was too much to handle, so he just tried not to think about it. He tried not to think about a lot of things.

Still, when the darkness enveloped his living quarters, the thoughts would creep up. Seconds turned into minutes into hours as the thoughts crawled up his spine and into his brain, reverberating against the sides of his skull and intensifying with every moment he remained alone, the escalating volume drowning out his sanity.

_I don’t know what’s happening. Why does everyone hate me? Why does Rei seem so different? Why is everything so terrible?_

Light would eventually come, presumably from the sun, but it was hidden by the haze of destruction that now graced the horizon. All of the people he had encountered – though few – carried on without acknowledging it, without acknowledging the horror around them. He hadn’t even seen that much of it.

When the light came, the door eventually unlocked. He could free himself of the quarters that were quickly becoming a prison cell for him. He would escape into the presence of Kaworu, the only person that ever made him feel like something. He wasn’t Shinji when he sat on that piano bench; he was a person, one half of a whole, doing his part to make something greater than the sum of their parts. Kaworu’s gentle encouragement and guidance made him almost believe, if only for those short hours, that he had a purpose.

The restless nights that his thoughts ran rampant often included Kaworu. He pictured his old world but with Kaworu instead. He wouldn’t have depended on Asuka or Misato so much if he had Kaworu back then. He didn’t feel like he was taking up space or just existing when he was with him; Kaworu was so smart, so articulate, so beautiful. He was an ethereal being, as if born from the Moon herself. Shinji doubted no possibility in this shattered world. Still, he knew there was no way he could have met Kaworu if he existed solely in the old world. Something deep down told him that this was all planned, like some puppetmaster had attached strings to his joints and made him dance to the beat of his will.

Shinji was comfortable enough with Kaworu to mention his rampant thoughts; how he didn’t understand what had happened or why; he had only seen the outside world that one time. Kaworu’s calm and cheerful demeanor shifted.

“Do you want to?”

When Kaworu brought him out of what was supposedly NERV Headquarters, he truly saw it for the first time; the vast expanse of disarray and demolition that had blanketed the world. “You caused this,” he had said. The only person Shinji believed anymore, the only one that brought him solace and joy in this disjointed, bleary world, looked him in the eyes and blamed him for this.

Even though Shinji had no idea what he was talking about, he immediately knew he was right. He had no clue as to what this world was, why he was in it, or why everyone was acting the way they were, but Kaworu would never lie to him. He knew that. Kaworu had never given him any reason to believe otherwise.

All he remembered was trying to save Rei. He needed her. He needed her to help him understand himself and just exist, even before it turned upside down. Even if it had been Asuka or Touji, he would have done the same. He hated being alone. He hated not knowing anything or understanding anything, even though he was so used to it, for as long as he could remember.

Kaworu said he had a plan. A plan to reset this world, to redo what Shinji had done. Shinji didn’t know what he had done or what Kaworu planned to do. It involved piloting an Eva together, he understood. That part he was excited about. Tomorrow they would pilot Eva-13, retrieve the spears, and reset the world.

Shinji couldn’t remember exactly how long ago he asked if he could stay in Kaworu’s room instead of his own. Kaworu hadn’t hesitated to say yes, but if he was particularly excited, he didn’t show it. A calm smile and gentle eyes dispelled Shinji’s embarrassment over the question, and they walked away from the piano side by side. Shinji paused when they reached the fork where they usually parted ways for the evening, but a light touch on the small of his back guided him in the proper direction. The touch sprouted warmth throughout his body, and found his heart.

Kaworu’s room was a carbon copy of Shinji’s, which was disappointing. Shinji desperately wanted to know more about Kaworu, where he came from, what he meant, what he loved. He had hoped that his room offered some insight into Kaworu’s character, whether it was a stray sock or a light scent. There was nothing, almost like Kaworu didn’t even sleep there.

They had sat on the bed next to each other, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Aimless drabble led into deep philosophy, and all the while Kaworu kept reassuring Shinji that his feelings were valid, and unique. All Shinji could offer as thanks were light smiles, and just that would make Kaworu’s ruby eyes beam.

He knew. He knew Kaworu wasn’t human; at least, not entirely. What else in this existence wasn’t human but was still here, taunting Shinji? “Why do I have to kill the Angels?” Shinji had asked, but Kaworu hadn’t answered any of his questions. What difference would it make if Kaworu was an Angel, anyway? He still loved Shinji, and Shinji knew that he loved him, too.

They lay in the darkness, face to face, nose to nose. Kaworu had managed to reach an arm across Shinji’s waist while Shinji pulled his arms up against his chest, as if protecting his heart. Kaworu loved him, he had said it. What did Shinji have to worry about?

_Not tonight,_ Shinji had thought. _We’ll have all the time in the world to be together after tomorrow._ He turned over under Kaworu’s arm and quietly announced he was going to sleep.

“Okay, Shinji-kun. Sleep well.” He felt safe, warm, and protected.

He still thought, but not about terror and calamity. That night, he thought about the sky, and how despite everything, it was still blue; although the earth had been destroyed at his own hands, the sky was still blue. This one insignificant detail that had held true his entire life was now an anchor of his hope for the future. Kaworu had to be right; there must be a way to redo what he had done. Tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
